Subdued

This winter was my 4th in Minnesota. It has been by far the longest, coldest, least humane winter I have ever experienced.

There has been snow on the ground since early December, which means it has been four months since I've been able to gaze upon my yard without seeing any white. The snow itself hasn't been so bad. It's the numerous accompanying annoyances that pick away at you over the course of the long dull winter that eventually wear you down. All these little annoyances are enough to make even the most polite and reserved Minnesotan snap like Diana Ross at an airport security gate. And I'm not reserved, nor am I a native Minnesotan (by my own hedonist standards, I am quite polite, though).

The most recent example of the minor annoyance that almost made me put my fist through our truck window was when we were attempting to get the children in the car the other day. To someone not living in a land with air temperatures below zero, this sounds like an easy task, I know. Certainly not one that could require a well-thought out excuse for the new stitches now holding your fingers onto your hand. But by the time March rolls around in Minnesota, you are pretty damn tired of the 40-minute process of getting your children dressed and strapped into their car seats only to have to de-layer them after your ten minute car ride.

By the time you get all the 14 layers onto the children, you are quite sweaty, running late, and pretty frustrated. So, without the gentle nature that you possess in November, you shove them into the garage to get into the truck. Sensing your impatience they decide to rub against the mud-covered truck resulting in a thick batter of caked on dirt that couldn't be thicker if you had first dipped them in beaten eggs.

Now that the suppressed rage of hating winter is no longer blinding, I can look back and say that the children are not completely to blame. It's hard NOT to touch the truck given that there is a mere 1 inch of space left between the garage wall and the vehicles due to the layers of mud now stuck to it. You see, when it's below 10 f, the carwashes no longer operate. It only takes 2 days of driving on salted, muddy roads to coat your vehicle in a cakey batter of winter. So, we all get a little dirty, no matter how careful we are.

That said, even if there were room in the garage to maneuver past, the kids would still get covered in dirt...I am convinced that there is a direct and provable correlation between how much dirt is on your vehicle and how strongly your children feel compelled to rub against it.

I recorded data for many months and here is my final analysis: