A letter from my television

I found this letter laying on the floor this morning. Printed dot-matrix style. The text was smudged as though it had been written through tears. I thought I would share it with you.

"Do you think it's easy being me? C'mon, look at me! I'm a 10-year old 28" Sony Trinitron. While 10 years old may not sound that old to you, it's like 200 in technology years. Seriously. You replaced your laptop when it was only THREE years old. Yet you still expect me to hold up to my greuling schedule of 15 hrs of nonstop, uninterrupted programming.

I've done so much for you. It's high time you start giving me some respect.

Look. I don't want to complain. The truth is, my worst fear is being replaced. I've seen those ads for those fancy schmancy flat screen tv's. I had no choice! I'm the TV! I had to watch them! But I also saw the look on your face as you sadly wished you could afford one, making a mental note to wait until they came down in price so you could run to Sam's Club or Sears and purchase one. All I could do was hold back my tears and continue to show the commercial, albeit in shamefully low resolution. Still. I did my best.

We've been through a lot. I consider myself part of this family, even though I don't have a name. I was here before the kids. Before the dog. Hell! I was here before Jason even married you! Oh, man! I could tell you some things about him! The stuff he used to watch before you came around. Let's just say, he knows a little bit more about monster trucks and the Miss America Pageant than he'll ever admit.

I didn't complain when you came into the picture. In fact, it was kind of nice not to have to watch Seinfeld and Simpsons ad nauseum. It was a treat to occasionally watch a salacious episode of the Real World or some CNN. I had not seen pictures of Japan since I left the factory! Man, things have changed there.

I've been through six moves with you and Jason. That doesn't include the moves I've been through alone with him. Look how well I have held up! Yeah, the plate broke off my face revealing my AV inputs, and the bottom of me is all chipped up, but I'm still running flawlessly! You even spilled a couple gallons of oil into me during your move from Seattle to LA. Except for emitting the stench of motor oil every now and then, it didn't affect me one bit.

But this. C'mon. How much longer am I going to have to put up with THIS? I can handle Tivo and I can handle Direct TV. I don't particularly like how they think they run the show, when really, they would be nothing without me, but I am a silent leader. I don't need to be in the limelight. I can handle the toddler fingerprints all over my screen (you blame ME for the crappy picture quality!). I can take the spilled kool-aid running underneath me, and the wrong buttons constantly being banged on. But really, do we have to watch 8 hours of Dora every day?

If I had known this is what having a Tivo meant, I would have stopped working a long time ago. I know how lazy you two are. You wouldn't completely get rid of me. You would have just put me on the dresser in the spare bedroom thinking someday you'd get me working again. But now the jig is up. You know I can do it. And you refuse to get another television set right now. So I am forced to bring you endless amounts of Dora and Backyardigans. Not just ANY Dora or Backyardigans. But specific episodes! C'mon, we all know what's going to happen: Dora and Boots have to save King Popo from the mean magician. But wait! How will they figure out the way to the mountains so they can save the king? Oh no! The world is going to end! Who will help them find the way? WAAAHHH!

Oh, that's right. Ask Map! He knows the way! Ok, across the bridge, over the rocks, to the mountains. Let's go. Seriously! We've done this like 800 times already, let's get this mofo in the can. I don't need to repeat it 7 times.

Look, you know I love the kids. I understand they have simple tastes. It's just that...well, I guess I'm just tired. And I'm feeling a little insecure about my age. And, well, it wouldn't hurt if you would show me some attention every now and then. Clean my screen. Maybe dust my top off once in awhile. Put a nice plant on top of me or something. I just need to know you care. I mean, after all we've been through, you could show me a little appreciation once in awhile. If you do, I promise I won't tell Jason that you are addicted to watching Dr. Phil every day.

Love,

Your Television"

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